Sharing Friends and Taking Responsibility: Helping Kids Move Beyond the Blame Game
“But she was playing with him first!”
“He made me do it!”
“It wasn't my fault!”
“She started it!”
If you have a child who struggles with friendships, you may hear statements like these often.
Learning how to share friends, navigate changing friendships, handle disappointment, and take responsibility for our own actions is an important part of social-emotional development. These skills don't always come naturally to children, and they certainly don't develop overnight.
At Friendship Builders, we help children understand that friendships aren't about controlling who someone else plays with. They're about learning how to join in, communicate, compromise, manage big feelings, and take ownership of our own choices.
One of the biggest lessons we can teach children is:
“You are responsible for your choices, even when someone else makes a choice you don't like.”
Why Is Sharing Friends So Hard?
For many children, friendship can feel very personal.
When a child sees their best friend playing with someone else, they may experience feelings of:
Jealousy
Rejection
Worry about being left out
Anger
Insecurity
Fear of losing the friendship
Frustration
A child may think:
“That's MY friend.”
But friendships aren't possessions.
A friend can enjoy spending time with you and enjoy spending time with someone else.
Learning this concept can be particularly challenging for children who have difficulty with flexibility, perspective-taking, emotional regulation, or navigating social uncertainty.
Instead of simply telling a child, “You need to share your friend,” we want to help them understand what is happening emotionally and socially.
Friendship Isn't a Competition
One of the most important social skills children can develop is understanding that friendships don't have to be an either/or situation.
Your child doesn't have to choose:
“Me or them.”
Instead, they can learn:
“My friend can play with other people, and I can still be their friend.”
This requires flexibility.
Sometimes your child will get to choose the game.
Sometimes someone else will.
Sometimes their friend will want to play with someone else.
Sometimes they may need to wait.
Sometimes they may be invited to join.
And sometimes they may need to find another activity.
These experiences can feel uncomfortable, but they are valuable opportunities to practice frustration tolerance, flexibility, and problem-solving.
Moving Away From the Blame Game
Another common challenge is helping children take responsibility for their own actions.
When something goes wrong, children may immediately look for someone to blame:
“He made me hit him.”
“She was being annoying, so I yelled.”
“He wouldn't let me play, so I pushed him.”
“She started it!”
There may be truth to what happened. Another child may genuinely have been unkind, excluded them, or made a poor choice.
But there is an important distinction between explaining what happened and avoiding responsibility for our own behavior.
We can teach children:
“Someone else's behavior can affect your feelings, but you are still responsible for what you choose to do next.”
That's a powerful life skill.
“What Did They Do?” vs. “What Did I Do?”
When a conflict happens, children often focus almost entirely on the other person's behavior.
Try shifting the conversation.
Instead of asking:
“Who started it?”
Try asking:
“What happened?”
Then:
“What did they do?”
“What did you do?”
“What were you feeling?”
“What could you do differently next time?”
This doesn't mean ignoring what the other child did.
It means helping your child recognize that they have agency.
They may not control another person's choices, but they can learn to control their own response.
The “Both Can Be True” Approach
One of the most helpful phrases for children learning accountability is:
“Both can be true.”
For example:
“He shouldn't have taken the toy, AND you shouldn't have hit him.”
“She was being unkind, AND you still need to use respectful words.”
“You were disappointed that she played with someone else, AND she is allowed to play with other friends.”
“Your brother upset you, AND you are responsible for what you do with that feeling.”
This approach validates your child's experience without teaching them that someone else's behavior excuses their own.
Teach Children to Focus on Their “Next Move”
When children feel wronged, it is easy for them to get stuck replaying what happened.
Instead, help them think about their next move.
Ask:
“What can you do now?”
Maybe they can:
Take a break
Use a calm-down strategy
Ask to join
Find another activity
Use an assertive phrase
Ask an adult for help
Give themselves some space
Try again later
Repair the relationship
This shifts the focus from blame to problem-solving.
What Can My Child Say?
Children need language they can actually use in the moment.
Instead of:
“You're stealing my friend!”
Teach:
“Can I play too?”
Instead of:
“You always choose her!”
Try:
“I was hoping we could play together.”
Instead of:
“It's your fault!”
Try:
“I didn't like what happened, and I need a minute.”
Instead of:
“He made me do it!”
Try:
“I was really frustrated, and I made a poor choice.”
These phrases give children a way to advocate for themselves without blaming or attacking someone else.
Help Your Child Separate Feelings From Actions
This is one of the most important social-emotional lessons children can learn:
All feelings are okay. Not all behaviors are okay.
Your child is allowed to feel jealous.
They are allowed to feel left out.
They are allowed to feel angry.
They are allowed to feel disappointed.
They are allowed to wish their friend would choose them.
But having those feelings doesn't give them permission to:
Hit
Push
Exclude
Yell
Insult
Threaten
Control who someone else plays with
Instead, we can teach:
“Your feeling makes sense. Now let's figure out what you can do with that feeling.”
Model Accountability at Home
Children learn accountability by watching the adults around them.
When you make a mistake, let your child hear you say:
“I was frustrated, and I raised my voice. That wasn't the way I wanted to handle it. I'm going to try again.”
Or:
“I misunderstood what you were saying. I'm sorry. Let me listen again.”
You're showing your child that taking responsibility isn't something to be ashamed of.
It's a sign of strength.
Don't Turn Every Conflict Into an Investigation
Parents naturally want to know exactly what happened.
But sometimes asking children:
“Who started it?”
“What did she do first?”
“Why did he do that?”
can unintentionally turn a conflict into a courtroom.
Instead, try becoming a problem-solving coach.
Ask:
What happened?
How did you feel?
What did you do?
What did the other person do?
What part was yours to own?
What can you try next time?
Is there anything you need to repair?
The goal isn't to determine who is the “bad guy.”
The goal is to help your child develop the skills to navigate the next interaction more successfully.
Friendship Skills Are About More Than Making Friends
At Friendship Builders, we believe social skills aren't simply about teaching children how to make friends.
They are about helping children understand themselves and others.
That includes learning how to:
Share friends
Join play
Handle rejection
Manage jealousy
Take turns
Compromise
Read the room
Understand another person's perspective
Regulate big emotions
Advocate for themselves
Repair relationships
Take responsibility for their choices
Move forward after conflict
These skills develop gradually through real relationships and meaningful experiences.
The Goal Isn't Perfect Friendships.
The goal is to help children become more confident navigating imperfect ones.
Friendships will sometimes be messy. Children will misunderstand each other. Someone will feel left out. Someone will say something unkind. Someone will make a poor choice.
Our job isn't to prevent every difficult social experience.
Our job is to give children the tools to navigate those moments with increasing flexibility, self-awareness, accountability, and confidence.
At Friendship Builders, we create supportive, natural opportunities for children to practice these skills with peers while learning how to understand themselves, consider others, and take ownership of their own choices.
Because becoming a good friend isn't about always getting your way.
It's about learning how to connect, communicate, compromise, repair, and try again.
